And i kissed you in a style that clark gable would have admired

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 20:27:58 GMT

because by the time you figure out what's best for you
i will have figured out what's best for me
ears closed to all instruction
your simple honesty outshines thier elaborately adorned empty words...

so lets refrain from making unnecessary references...

what a shameful fall from grace...

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 02:52:10 GMT

i didnt realize that i missed it until i was standing there, listening again...i didnt realize that i missed him until i got to hug him like i hadn't done in forever...and watch his eyes spark with excitement as he told me about the new song...the one that i Never Ever want to hear.
"This is romance..."
feels more like a knife to the rib cage.

i didnt realize that i was so fascinated by the quiet glances that i had never really given much thought to before. i didnt realize that i would find myself lost in intrigue over the head lying sleepily against my shoulder...

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 04:00:07 GMT

i dont have to fake it as hard anymore...
but it still feels like im missing pieces.

“Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's like depth.”

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 18:39:28 GMT

To breathe used to be another way i'd take you in...

So i stopped inhaling
And killed the part of me that held any affection for you

the awful truth of loving

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 00:35:04 GMT

justin and i talked for hours, and i was happy...just because

i dont understand where it got lost. i dont understand why my everything isn't enough. i dont understand why it doesnt just stay in one spot...but flows through my veins, so that it reaches every part of my body...and tears away my smile...and causes me to paint myself black. i dont understand why i allow it. do you realize that i would bleed myself dry if it would make you less sad? i dont understand why it refuses to leave.

'the first time i saw a body bend that way i realized that we're more beautiful dead than alive. then, with bloodied flesh removed, your rib cage ripped away - and i saw why they say beauty comes from the inside.'

damn, this is going to be my depressing journal. haha.

picture time fools!!!

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 14:55:18 GMT

arent i pretty?

okay i know i'm not pretty, but you dont have to rub it in!

i'm going to matts today to watch movies... that should be fun.

havent updated in awhile

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 04:41:51 GMT

"i spent all my time thinking of you....how foolish of me."

silly lost children looking for proof that love endures...when unconditional love is staring them in the face. run from it as fast as you can.

it wont chase you foreve

new journal

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 17:12:22 GMT

i have a new journal as of now.

www.livejournal.com/users/loveletterstou

i added all of the people who are my friends on this one.

♥

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire, something that would make me never want another

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 15:44:24 GMT

i think i might make a new journal... and it will be friends only. because i hate drama, and theres alot of it on non-friends only journals. i will still have this one. and all my friends on this one will be added to my friends only one because i consider them friends.

♥

i wish i were older....

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 01:01:15 GMT

~~i really like him, and it sucks. because i'm not good enough.~~

he admitted it, hes shallow. i'm not his type. harsh... yeah thats life. i hope everyone who reads this knows personality doesnt count. and i fucked up and made the wrong decision, i should have liked someone else who just NOW tells me they liked me... but josh liked me so they couldnt like me too, so they let josh have me.

this is why i hate choices.

i cant seem to find my ashes amongst all this rubble....

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 10:00:51 GMT

heres a list.i dont know what its a list of. just a list.

1)think more before i talk. make a good point when i talk.stop being so ditzy.
2)get mom to take me thrift shopping
3)be a nicer person
4)stop overanalyzing things
5)write more poetry
6)take more chances
7)get my ears pierced
8)get to know myself better
9)spend more time with my friends
10)focus on school
11)meet more people
12)be more specific
13)be on the computer less
14)learn more about painting techniques
15)be honest on the spot
16)pay more attention
17)stop being so lethargic
18)act like less of an idiot (this will never happen cause acting like an idiot is too much fun)
19)state my opinion
20)experiment with photography
21)stop thinking im ugly
22)ease up on the sarcasm (never gonna happen)
23)try something new
24)hold more interesting conversations
25)follow through with plans
26)answer questions instead of hiding from them
27)stop being so cynical
28)learn to be more comfortable in front of crowds
29)be more open to new ideas

im in a self-discovery/improvement kinda mood. i go through these times when i feel like im nothing important. i mean,who am i? im some little girl in a freakin huge world and i'll probably never make any kind of impact. sometimes i just feel so conflicted and im not exactly in a bad mood,just confused. i try to analyze myself and as i fit one piece of the puzzle that is my brain i just get deeper into the enigma of myself. if you can make any sense of that at all i'll pay you ten bucks. im going to stop writing now, before i confuse myself (and you,whoever you may be). ok im not done yet, i just feel like i have so many opinions and ideas and i can explain them perfectly in my head and when i have time to really think about what im going to say. but then i just end up babbling and making no sense,maybe cause i dont want people to judge me on my real opinions?is that it? sad that i dont even know. i guess i kinda "talk myself into corners" as amber and randy said, maybe thats it. i guess i think myself into corners too. ok im really giving up now.im throwing in the towel. somebody catch it.

::EDIT::

FIRSTS.
First best friend: Tina E.
First car: None.
First real kiss: Chad.
First break-up: Chad.
First screen name: jumpinjaxoff??
First self purchased album: cant remember.
First funeral: My grandpa.
First pets: a dog named Pepper.
First piercing/tattoo: Ears (didnt last too long), and now nose.
First credit card: None.
First true love: eh, you know...
First enemy: Can't remember that one, probably Megan hahahaha.
First big trip: Going to Washington.
First music you remember hearing in your house: ugh my mom used to listen to stupid country music.

LASTS.
Last cigarette: ewwww never.
Last car ride: Last night.
Last kiss: Josh H.
Last good cry: haha, every day this weekend.
Last library book checked out: Cannot remember.
Last movie seen: Dawn Of The Dead.
Last beverage drank: Water.
Last food consumed: One cracker like 2 seconds ago, haha.
Last crush: Josh... or Mike... wait i like both!
Last phone call: Ryan.
Last time showered: Yesterday.
Last shoes worn: Black converse.
Last cd played: the mix dana burnt me with: Jme's band, The Faint, The Cure, Count The Stars, Brand New, and other music.
Last item bought: Water at the grind.
Last annoyance: eh the fact that i havent slept all night.
Last disappointment: guys... are all disappointments, OR maybe its the ones i'm attracted too.
Last time wanting to die: i dont want to die.
Last time scolded: my grandma yelled at me to stop talking so loud on the phone.
Last shirt worn: Taking Back Sunday shirt.

Sun, 28 Mar 2004 20:15:11 GMT

1.What's on your bedside table?
I don't have a bedside table.

2. What's the geekiest part of your music collection?
nothing.

3. What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
i usually get water to drink at night.

4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
i dont think i'd get plastic surgery.

5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
yes, i'm scared of spiders.

6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
i always cross my arms over my stomach

7. Do you ever have to beg?
yea.

8. Do you have too many love interests?
hmm i like 2 people... is that too many?

9. Do you know anyone famous?
eh not really.

10. Describe your bed.
its a futon (i think i spelled that right)

11. Spontaneous or plan?
Spontaneous,definitly.

12. Who should play you in a movie about your life?
eh..maggie g.

13. Do you know how to play poker?
used to

14. What do you carry with you at all times?
if i go out i always have money, so money.

15. How do you drive?
well if my mom's in the car then good, but if Ambers in the car shes always telling me to go faster.

16. What do you miss most about being little?
playing with my ninja turtles.

17. Are you happy with your given name?
yes.

18. What color is your bedroom?
there are posters and pictures everywhere.

19. What was the last song you were listening to?
right now i'm listening to the mix Dana made me.

20. Have you ever been in a school play?
yep.

21. Have you ever been in love?
i'm not really sure if it was love anymore...

22. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
eh..

23. Do you think you're cute?
haha yeah i think i'm cute because i look like a 12 year old most of the time!

24. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
hahahaha. i can be nice, IF i like you. Others *cough amber cough* say i'm never really nice.

what the hell is wrong with this picture?

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 18:56:13 GMT

i feel like crying...over a guy. mike is great, he made me feel sooo much better, and he made me stop crying. i didnt even really really like the guy i cried over, i just dreamt about him and it made me realize i like him. BUT i'm too short for him, wtf?!?! ive never gotten that one before, it made me feel really insecure about my height. i mean i cant help it if i'm short. and hes really tall, i'm not complaining. anyways i'm going to the grind tonight with dana, mikes going to be there and we are actually going to talk about stuff.

♥

i hate to say this..
as much as i loved(as in not anymore) his personality. i'm sorry i can't be your 5'6 emo barbie doll.
i dont change myself for people, and even if i did how the hell could i make myself grow taller. be realistic noones perfect, grow up.

mikes weird dream.

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 17:21:10 GMT

so juliet bleeds: Ok, last night i had the strangest dream in my life. I dreamt that Navarre High school had an evil leader that stole something from us. By us i mean Me, Kenneth, Tim (jesus) Monk, and John stamos. So we went to Navarre and tried to buy back what they had stolen but they wouldnt sell. SO, we infiltrated Navarre which was like a big place with a bunch of hallways....kinda like a school. Anyway, John Stamos and i found a room with a bunch of instruments in them. So i picked up a guitar and started playing, That old time Rockn' Roll? Well anyway, Tim and kenneth started playing. Then we had to run through Navarre to find Tim's car. John Stamos stops in the middle of a hallway and i was all "Stamos, don't be a fool. Come on man we gots to go" and then he pulled out a lightsaber and told me to go. And all the while Jewel to Sparkle was playing by The Juliana Theory? Ya, we got back to my house and my stepdad was feeding our cats orange juice, crackers, and cat food miuxed together. He said it was good for them. So then Tim was all " Did we get back our stuff" and i was all "wheres John Stamos" then Saddly i woke up...

...

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 11:37:31 GMT

i hate having bad dreams, well my dream wasnt exactly a nightmare... but i just had to wake up from it. its so weird waking up crying, and then thinking about the dream and crying again. i'm glad its just a dream. anyway it was about someone who i just found out i care about alot, and how i felt like shit for doing something wrong to them. god, i'm such a horrible person.

♥

Who Am I
:x: name = courtney
:x: piercing = nose
:x: tattoos = hopefully one day
:x: height = 5'2
:x: shoe size = 7
:x: hair color = black
:x: length = almost to my shoulders
:x: siblings = little brother, jakob.
LAST...
:x: movie you rented =eh, i dont really remember.
:x: movie you bought = i havent bought a movie in forever
:x: song you listened to =Elliot Smith-Miss Misery
:x: song that was stuck in your head = the song we played in waffle house last night.. "kiss me" or something.
:x: cd you bought = Q and not U
:x: cd you listened to = see above.
:x: person you've called = amber
:x: person that's called you = ryan
:x: tv show you've watched = i woke up really early today and watched married with children.
:x: person you were thinking of = josh..
DO...
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else= yep.
:x: you think about suicide = i think about the whole concept but not about doing it to myself.
:x: others find you attractive = why dont you ask the others yourself
:x: you want more piercings = yep.
:x: you drink = no.
:x: you like cleaning = no.
:x: you like roller coasters = eh.
:x: you write in cursive or print = little bit of both
:x: you carry a donor card = no.
FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships = depends on how much you like the person.
:x: using someone = not cool.
:x: killing people = hah.
:x: teenage smoking = smoking is stupid and gross.
:x: driving drunk = yet another stupid thing to do.
:x: gay/lesbian relationship = go ahead.
:x: soap operas = ahh..bad acting.overdramatic men and women.beautiful people who should just stand there without talking.
FAVORITE...
:x: food = pizza.
:x: song = too many.
:x: thing to do = be with friends.writ.draw.listen to music.watch movies with friends.
:x: thing to talk about = anything that catches my interest at the moment.
:x: sports = eh.
:x: drinks = water.
:x: clothes = anything i like.
:x: movies =28 days Later. A Clockwork Orange. Amelie. Boondock Saints. Cabin Fever. Cruel Intentions. Donnie Darko. Edward Scissorhands. Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas. Fight Club. Ghost World. Ginger Snaps. Nightmare Before Christmas. Requiem For A Dream. Rocky Horror Picture. Snatch. Spun. The Virgin Suicides. White Oleander.
:x: band/singer = too many.
:x: holiday = halloween.
:x: new nerdy saying = neat.
:x: disney movie = the emperors new groove!
:x: scent = darins cologne.
:x: word = rad.
:x: nickname = courtney.
:x: guy name = eh.
:x: girl name = eh.
:x: eye color = anything that i think is pretty.
:x: flower = eh i dont really like flowers.
:x: piercing = lip.
:x: actress = christina ricci. Maggie Gyllenhaal
:x: actor= jake gyllenhaal.ashton kutcher.jared leto
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty = not really.
:x: funny = yea i amuse myself. and hopefully others.
:x: hot = no.no no no.
:x: friendly = if i like you, i'll be friendly
:x: amusing = i amuse myself
:x: ugly = sometimes...the majority of the time
:x: lovable = yea...if i like you
:x: pessimistic = when dealing with my life,yes.
:x: optimistic = when dealing with other people's lives,yes.
:x: caring = if i care about you.
:x: sweet = eh
:x: dorky = yep.

my ears are fucking ringing

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 06:59:30 GMT

the show tonight was fun. dana is awesome. fuss was okay, and her eyes once burned are great. dana, mike, and i rebeled and didnt watch the second track. hmm mike is hilarious, dana amber and i went to waffle house with him jyn and kenneth. we played "kiss me" 12 times and they ripped us off and only played it twice... but mike showed them and played it again. and we were all singing. i didnt get to talk to josh alot, eh i wanted too. but i guess i'm too shy. haha.
oh well, thats all i have for now.

♥

you make me happy when skies are gray

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 01:48:49 GMT

xtwilightfadingx: hears my song.... im making it up off my head... "i met a girl.. her name starts with a C. and that c stand cupcake not carrot. because cupcakes are sweet and so is she and carrots are just stale... yeah i met a girl and her name starts with a C"
Notes in cursive: hahahaha
Notes in cursive: awe

---------------
anyways i think somethings wrong with brandon, he just did the sad face. and mike thinks hes fat, but hes not so he needs to shut up!

♥

just a lame survey so you can learn a bit more about me...

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 17:07:19 GMT

Name: Courtney
Year in school: almost a junior
Zodiac Sign: Cancer

RANDOM OUT-THERE QUESTIONS

Is punk rock dead?: yep.
Vampires- cool or uncool?: eh, cool i guess.
Is the government going to hell?: Certain politicians may deserve to rot...
Do you know what AFI stands for?: A Fire Inside
Wasn't the CareBear stare just the coolest thing when you were little?: i love carebears.
Summer or winter?: fall
What is the best form of art?: i love all art.poetry.pastels.painting.sketching.sculpting.acting.singing.
Are you allergic to poison ivy?: uh i think so.
Ever hang out with Mr. Peace Pipe?: nope.
What year in school was the worst?: umm...i dunno.there are good things and bad things that happen each year. they pretty much even each other out.
The best Saturday Night Live movie is: i dont know.
Aren't cats just adorable?: i love kitties.

HOW MUCH OF A LOSER ARE YOU?

# of friends on your b/l: 69. haha.
How many friends do you hang out with regularly?: uhm somewhere around 10.
Do you have a prom date? (or did you): nope. i dont like dances.
How many people have you kissed?: ehh
Have you lost touch with friends in the past few years?:yea.it kinda sucks and i wonder what theyre up to now
# of people you talk to on the phone regularly: heh, like 5.

LET'S LEAVE ON A JET PLANE, SHALL WE?

If you could go to any country, where would you go?: i cant answer this question with one country.i really really would love to just travel and see the whole world.
Would you ever go "down under?": i would LOVE to go to australia.
Road trips are great, huh?: i want to go on one.
Have you ever been on one?: nope.
Have you ever gone out of the country?: no.
Would you ever live out of the country?: no.

ENTERTAINMENT

How about the drive-in?: sure lets go
What was the last movie you watched?:Dawn Of The Dead, zombies arent supposed to run THAT fast.
The cutest actress is: Maggie G.
What about actor?: ashton kutcher, Jared Leto, Jake G.
Best band: too many.
Ever been to a local show?: yep.
If so, what band did you see?: too many bands.
Best music genre: hmm right now for me is Indie Rock.
Do you like emo?: yep.
Ever gone to the opera?: nope.
</ljcut>

and every day apart makes me love seeing you even more....

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 00:53:38 GMT

im feelin kinda uppidy.isnt that a lovely choice of words?just got back from shopping. heres what i got:

1)new horn-rimmed glasses to replace the ones i broke
2)hot pink & black knee highs
3)Q and not U cd
4)mod hoop earrings (2 pairs-red & white)
5)big metallic pink hoop earrings

i made out like a bandit.woo.

damn this room is really freakin hot.or maybe its just me.wink wink.....hahaha.

so yes i got to see my friends (randy, tim, jeff and josh) they took me shopping.i had so much fun even though we didnt really do anything. it was kinda akward hanging out with my ex boyfriend though..

why cant i stop smiling?

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 03:59:45 GMT

maybe because he makes me smile at everything. maybe because hes so sweet. or maybe because i feel comfortable around him, like i can talk to him about anything.

so i talked to Mike today, hes pretty rad. I talked to Matt today too, its wonderful how much hes changed and for the better...hes calling me later on tonight. I miss hearing his voice...kinda, haha.

So i have so many things i want to do lately, and not so much time or patience to do them all. I cant wait until the show on Friday. Austin said he liked my hair, and hes not mad at me and we are friends again.

So everythings good here, too bad i know... KNOW it wont last. One wrong decision could mess things up. Which is why i am taking my time with this..

♥

awe my hair is boss.

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 00:10:11 GMT

so today i got my hair cut. i feel like i'm 11 again, with the bangs and all. I didnt get to talk to josh today. uhm.. yeah heres my hair.

uh huh... yeah see 11 YEAR OLD!

♥

by the way, none of you people who are my so called "friends" called me today.. whats up with that kids?

Mixtapes And Memories

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 04:31:19 GMT

I promise this won't be another song about being alone but all I feel is regret
and I can't find the nerve to pick up the telephone.
I was thinking about how it drives me crazy just to feel your hand in mine,
and how simple that is
and I've thought about saying no to hope
but I have this funny habit of putting pictures up on the wall of you and me.
I know that priorities never understand reality
and time never lends itself to those who are waiting on love.
But it is overdue that we should share this night and Grace,
your smile is the only thing that keeps me breathing.
The hours pass by like minutes when I'm with you.
The hours pass like minutes in the rain.
So lets stand here in the rain forever

you are a "wow!"

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 23:40:46 GMT

i have been listening to bright eyes sooooo much this week. i dont know why. dana and i got into a little arguement, but now everything's better...i think. i broke up with josh AGAIN. but this time i think for good.
anyways..
hes really amazing, it's weird. everytime i talk to him i get a BIG smile. and hes so sweet. he says the cutest things. "i love staring at the stars with a girl and just like eating pizza and laying on a blankey talking about everything from A-Z"

gosh, i dont want to jump into ANOTHER relationship. what do i do.. this is crazy.

♥

wtf... some people are fucking stupid

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 02:59:35 GMT

i went to walmart today and someone just walked up to me while i was looking at scarfs and said, "you are so scene. if scene was in the dictionary your picture would be beside it. you make me sick with your emo." i was like "thats nice. thank you!" and continued looking at my scarfs. And they were all "so you like emo blah blah blah" i said, "so what kind of music do YOU like" and they said, "good charlotte, and linkin park.. REAL music" i laughed soooo hard.

what a dumb fuck.

and i found my medicine flowing through your veins....

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 23:24:40 GMT

"Ready for my Utopia"
i have an impulse to escape
an itch to run from
these false realities
created by my tainted perspective
lights
camera
action
turn the camera angles
exchange my point of view for new
i refuse to let go of this longing for change\life is fading from electric to gray
searching
seeking out intricacies
suffocated by surroundings so generic
my demise lies in simplicity
neon glow blind my eyes
shoch and awe
surprise surprise
dress my up in silk and lace
box me up and set me free
im ready for my utopia

"Cure Me"
cure my broken bandaged heart
it's been to hell and back
dragged across the floor
and crushed
by none other than my own insecurities
gently kiss my wounds
stitch up my soul with your
hands that know their way around
heal the damage done to me
with softly whispered words
let our minds intertwine
and free me with your heartstrings
use your sticky-sweet honey love
to rework the shiny glass fragments of my being
be the shadow
found behind me
whether i am
soaring towards the galaxy or
shattering each star as i tumble back down
give me permission to love you until time ends and
use your powers to limit the end of time to forever
we can one with the full night sky or
we can fill the depths of hell with our love
we can be endless,inseparable
we can be one
...or we already are......

if i had one wish,it would be to have the ability to feel what others are feeling. lately i find myself thinking more and more about what goes on inside other people's heads.i want to know their thoughts and emotions,and what inspires them to do the things they do. if i held this power i would be able to understand everyone much better,and possibly not be as judgemental as i am.just something i was thinking about.

by the way,i talked to josh (not my boyfriend josh a new josh) and he is so rad. i think hes neat. i also think brandon's neat. WHY didnt i meet these people before, why am i just now meeting rad people?!?!
because i live in milton thats why.
i cant wait to move.

♥